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TOWN ISSUES ‘CITIZEN REPORT CARDS’

By SARA MCCULLOUGH

LEAVENWORTH ACRES, Kan. —  Recent college graduate Jake Norton, age twenty-one and seeking a job where he could help others, eagerly applied for his dream position: prison guard in the county correctional system. 

“I passed the background check and drug test,” related Norton sadly, “but my hometown police chief, Harvey Lansing, torpedoed my application.”  The reason: bad grades on Norton’s Citizen’s Report Card.

“Yeah, I blackballed the kid,” Lansing admitted to Weekly World News.  “He flunked four major categories on my Citizen’s Report Card, including ‘politeness,’ ‘grooming,’ ‘posture’ and ‘bad breath.’” 

The chief defended his controversial practice of issuing ‘report cards’ to adults .

“As kids, we toed the line in school because teachers issued report cards that monitored our good and bad habits.  Why not continue the practice into adulthood, rewarding responsible behaviors with ‘A’s and punishing citizenship infractions with ‘F’s?

“Young Norton wants to supervise inmates,” Lansing went on, striking a baton into his fist, “but he mouthed off to my patrol officer after shading a light. That was when Officer Glick noticed the other infractions and gave him failing grades.”

The disappointed job applicant must wait six months before his record will be clean and he can apply again.

“I’ll be good,” he promised, “though I have to admit I’m unhappy with this F-in’ process.”