By Chuck Lee
After opening a popular Chinese restaurant in Manhattan, Chuck Lee discovered that eating large amounts of hot mustard enabled him to foretell the future. Chuck has consented to share his remarkable predictions in a weekly column.2008 SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — To give people greater control over their sleeping habits, an alarm clock is produced with new settings. In addition to five minutes of ‘snooze,’ these AlaREM clocks allow for ‘nod’ (only a minute delay), ‘doze’ (thirty minutes more sleep), and ‘nap’ (two hours more rest).
2009 SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — AlaREM Clocks are discontinued when it’s discovered they were backed, financially, by psychotherapists. The shrinks were seeking a windfall from hours of additional dreams to analyze.
2009 SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — In response to the outcry against AlaREM clocks, another manufacturer creates clocks for multi-tasking go-getters. These all have ‘third’ hands that allow owners to more efficiently manage nano-seconds.
2010 SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. — Nutritionists discover that certain foods actually improve peoples' mental processes by stimulating brain cells. Apricots, raisons, chives and walnuts are just a few of these so-called ‘foods for thought.’ Conversely, they discover that many high-calorie foods have just the opposite effect, creating ‘fat heads.’
2011 LANSING, Mich. — Nutritionists also learn that lean people don't have fewer fatty acids in their bodies. Rather, they’re taking in a newly identified thinning chemical from fruits and vegetables. Pharmaceutical companies immediately try to extract and sell these 'skinny acids' in pill form.
2012 CLEVELAND, Ohio — Large passenger jets now include small workout rooms in which trainers help people overcome their tension through exercise. People enjoy flying much more while engaging in these types of aero-bics.
2013 PHOENIX, Ariz. — Exterminators create the ultimate chemical to wipe out every ant invading a person's home. People no longer have to worry about infestations thanks to this antacid.
2014 MANHATTAN, N.Y. — Department stores sell a special body gel that reduces the friction caused by people jostling each other in crowded cities. Walking in urban settings becomes a lot less tense because of these ‘social lubricants.’
2015 HARTFORD, Conn. — Guidance counselors create a device based on the thermometer that gauges the IQs of young people. Schools stick the iodine-filled cylinders in children to determine what kind of curriculum they should have. This redefines the concept of ‘learning by the seat of your pants.’
2016 ANNAPOLIS, Md. — Physiologists discover that immoral people have an additional set of tiny bones in their faces that allow them to sneer villainously. Upon hearing this, a number of businessmen undergo surgery to remove these rathbones.
2017 SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Veterinarians find a way of adapting animal hemoglobin to human blood, which allows people to receive emergency transfusions when there is no human donor.
2018 SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Animal activists are concerned about the huge spike in hospitals purchasing cats and dogs, ostensibly to amuse children who have undergone surgery.
2019 DOVER, Del. — Doctors discover a way of altering peoples' physiology to cause them to sweat sugar instead of salt. People start losing weight as their bodies get rid of all their excess calories.
2020 DOVER, Del. — Parents have to be more vigilant as young children start licking baseball diamonds, soccer fields and gymnasium floors.
2021 BOSTON, Mass. — Frustrated baseball coaches have the glove hands of their right-handed players surgically replaced with bear appendages to allow them to catch balls. Players without the enhancements are nervous about playing against these southpaws.
2022 CHICAGO, Ill. — Surgeons realize that there is a blood vessel in the neck that pumps emergency blood to the brain and appears for only an instant during moments of intense exertion. However, due to their extremely short-lived nature, doctors have difficulty studying these ‘ephemeral arteries.’
2023 MIAMI, Fla. — Beverage makers use radioactivity to increase the effervescence of their drinks. They call this process nuclear fizzion.