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GAS MASKS PROTECT EMPLOYEES FROM DEPRESSION

By SARA MCCULLOUGH

LOS TANGELOS, Calif. — New custodial hire Hanna Frazer breezed through her orientation at Chemco Corporation, pleasantly surprised to learn of the many perks the firm provided: free spa membership, tuition credits — and a gas mask.

“Gas mask?  I asked if there was a smog alert,” Frazer told Weekly World News, “and they said no, it’s something much worse.”

She was informed that Chemco HR just cited five departments for Disgruntled Employee Contamination.

“Ms. Frazer happened to join the firm after a merging of several departments and layoffs among beloved — but underproducing — department heads,” HR spokesperson Claire Eddy revealed.

According to Chemco behavioralists, DEC occurs when airborne negativity levels exceed seventy parts per million.

“It’s depression-inducing molecular inductance caused by frowns, disapproval and general unhappiness,” explained Dr. Joseph Downer. “If you’re exposed to DECs, you get a little charge of depression. Human beings are like storage batteries: over the course of a work day, it adds up.”

Until the mood returns to normal, Frazer has to wear the mask.

“The only problem is when I forget to take it off after work,” she said. “Caused quite a panic in the bus.”