UPDATE: Death-ray-wielding open source software supporters are expected to crash the MacWorld convention in San Francisco.

Apple Enthusiasts are sporting their armored Powerbooks and reflective laptop bags at the MacWorld expo this week.

After Apple tried to stop the spread of an application that gives regular iPhones death ray capability, supporters are expected to retaliate by attending the popular Apple convention.

Specialized Apple gear, like an iPod equipped gas mask or the iLive full body armor with wifi, is will be available at the convention.  Apple’s executives will attend the convention via telecom from the iFallout Shelter.

December 31, 2008

BOULDER, CO - Dr. Michael Heinous of Colorado State University has developed a death ray application for the iPhone.

“This is monumental day for both death ray technology and open source software” said Dr. Heinous.

The application, when downloaded, equips any regular iPhone or iPod touch with death ray capabilities.

Apple is attempting to legally block the death rays distribution after 2 million people downloaded it over the Christmas holiday.

Steve Jobs took time from constructing an android body that will let his consciousness live forever to issue a statement: “Apple does not approve of this application.  Death ray technology and open source software are dangerous when released to the general public and are not in keeping with our corporate policy.”

Dr. Heinous works at Colorado State University in their Evil Science department.  “Hopefully this application will help me topple the world governments and rise to power.  Or at least get me tenure.”

SAVAGE, MN - The Minnesota Vikings’ quarterback has more going for him than just skills.

At the young age of just 25, Tarvaris Jackson has been playing for the Minnesota Vikings for a couple of seasons, but has yet to live up to the coach’s expectations. Some fans have begun to wonder what he really brings to the team.

Weekly World News is breaking this genetic shocker: Jackson is actually descended from vikings!

The vikings were explorers almost exclusively descended from Northern Europe, but traveled as far as Constantinople. It is believed this is where they found Erik the Brown, a skilled warrior who volunteered to join their voyage.

He was celebrated for his sprinting speed and strategy, but most scholars know him from the legendary Baltic Sea Battle, where competing viking Egill Skallagrímsson attempted to sink Erik’s boat. When a flaming wooden ball was catapulted over the water, Erik caught it with his bare hands. He then set it down on the deck and kicked it back into Egill’s boat, sinking the ship and ending the battle.

Erik’s companions were so impressed they adopted him into the Viking brotherhood.

Now, over a millenium later, Erik’s descendent has partnered with the vikings once again. Will Tarvaris be able to live up to his ancestry?

Coach Childress is reportedly starting flaming ball practices next season.

SANTA FE, NM – Ties to an alien energy company have resulted in Governor Bill Richardson removing his name for consideration as future Commerce Secretary.

Governor Richardson is currently under federal investigation for steering government contracts in New Mexico towards a company that invested significant funds to his own political campaigns.

President-Elect Obama offered the Governor the position of Commerce Secretary as a result of Richardson’s impressive experience of job creation in New Mexico as well as investing in new sources of Green technology.

The Federal Investigation alleges that the CEO of the alien company Krullakz Energy Inc., Fwqqu Zxyvxy, donated thousands of dollars to Richardson’s gubernatorial campaigns as well as his most recent failed presidential campaign.  In exchange, Richardson pushed for no-bid contracts to be given to Krullakz for establishing Green energy infrastructure throughout the state.

“I don’t think this would be such a big deal if it were an American energy firm,” political analyst Donna Brazille said.  “The contracts Richardson created were actually extremely beneficial for the people of New Mexico and the nation.  It’s just that he did exclusive business with an alien company.”

“Richardson is being made an example of for supporting aliens over Americans at a time when this country is very pro-America. “

MY AMERICA - by Ed Anger

Until now, conservative icon Ed Anger has been silent after lapsing into a coma following the election of Barack Hussein Obama. Doctors tried numerous methods to awaken the columnist, including electroshock therapy, with no success.

With his hospital room TV tuned to FOX News 24/7, Anger was eventually roused by a commercial for the new Clint Eastwood movie “Gran Torino,” in which Eastwood plays a gun-toting auto industry and Korean War veteran now living in a tough, immigrant neighborhood in Detroit. A special screening of the film was arranged for Anger as he returned home to fully recover. Below is Ed Anger’s first writing since his awakening, a review of “Gran Torino.”

***
My America, the America I know and love has been in a coma. For too long it has been asleep at the wheel… the wheel of a foreign-made car. It’s time to wake up and tell the rest of the world to GET OFF OUR LAWN!!!

Recently, a movie opened my eyes when I had the great honor to watch Clint Eastwood’s new film “Gran Torino.” From its title, I had hoped for an old West border-town shoot ‘em up, but was pleasantly surprised when it turned out to be about a REAL American man taking a stand against some no good punks… punks whose freedoms he helped secure!!!

Now, I’m not one to find much sense coming out of Hollywood, but for once, those latte loving liberal lulus have pointed a gun right at the nose of the problem here with “Gran Torino.” Like those fictional terrorist teens who taunt Eastwood’s heroic character, there are real-life outlaws out there who are taunting REAL American and threatening to destroy our way of life.

Immigrants? No, I’m talking about those three stooges Rick Wagoner of GM, Alan Mulally of Ford, and Robert Nardelli of Chrysler.  What was once the great symbol of American power and pride, the American automobile, has become just a tin can on the greed garbage pile. These business school Bozos have had their heads up their tailpipe for decades while foreign invaders from countries named Toyota, Honda and Hyundai have taken over OUR neighborhood and OUR America.

Clint Eastwood’s character Walk Kowalski would fill their fat hides with lead if he had the chance. He didn’t work the plant and fight in Korea to see Korean-made cars take over his Detroit streets. Now there’s a lot of touchy-feely political talk about closing down Guantanamo Bay to make the rest of the world love America more. I say, no thank you. Build the fence higher and throw Wagoner, Mulally and Nardelli in there with Osama’s Kids and appoint Eastwood the new head of Homeland Security. I give his movie 50 stars and 13 stripes!

PHOENIX, AZ - Charles Barkley was spotted on another law-breaking ride, with a familiar passenger in tow!

After being arrested on December 31st for DUI, it was expected that Charles Barkley would lay low for awhile. But the former basketball player turned liberal commentator was photographed driving through the Arizona countryside with Bat Boy shrieking through the open-top convertible.

Gila County Police were not happy with Barkley’s apparent driving conduct. Chief Lenny Williams stated, “We have no evidence of whether Mr. Barkley was driving under the influence, or even driving over the speed limit. We are most concerned with the fact that the shirtless child in the passenger seat was not wearing a seat belt.

“It’s state law that children age 16 and under must wear a seat belt when riding in the front vehicle seat. Mutant or not, Mr. Barkley was in charge of him and he failed. This only confirms his statements early in his career that athletes should not be role models.”

Weekly World News was not able to secure a statement from Barkley on how he knows Bat Boy, but Bat Boy seems to associate himself with celebrities who look like him, such as James Blake and Mena Suvari.

ST. BART – Several eyewitnesses have confirmed reports that the legendary Creature from the Black Lagoon is on the loose in St. Bart!

The tropical island paradise in the heart of the Caribbean is currently under lockdown while authorities search the beaches and waterfront for the Creature.

The latest sighting comes from 5-year-old Caitlin McCord of Madison, Wisconsin.

“Caitlin came running up the beach screaming her little lungs out,” Caitlin’s father Michael told authorities.  “She said something came up outta the water and lumbered toward her.”

“We followed her down to the beach and there it was.  Through the mist we just saw its leathery skin.  It growled something in the guttural language of the deep.  Then we all ran.”

Stay tuned to the Weekly World News for streaming updates!

BURLINGTON, VT - Over the holidays, Matt Dillon was arrested for driving 106mph in rural Vermont.  His reason for doing so: “Manigator made me do it.”

According to police reports Matt Dillon claims that he met Manigator in a dive in New York City and the two hit it off.  After several hours, Dillon agreed to give the half-man half-alligator a ride.

Shortly after beginning their trip, Manigator began taunting Dillon for the way he drove, encouraging to him to go faster and faster.

“Partly I wanted to shut him up, but mostly I just wanted to get to Maine faster so I could drop him off and be rid of him.”

As soon as the police arrived, according to Dillon, Manigator began to panic and leapt out the window before the car had even come to a complete stop.  Police did not see the cryptid, only the dozens of cheep beer cans he left scattered in the floorboard.  Dillon said “Come on, I don’t drink that crap!  I’m Matt Dillon!”

He then began to shout about a half-man half-alligator with a drinking problem, so police brought him in for questioning and several drug tests.

Dillon is currently being charged with excessive speeding and authorities are on the lookout for Manigator.  No one is sure why he may be going to Maine, but all nursing homes in the state have been placed on high alert.

NEW YORK, NY - To welcome in the new year, Weekly World News flew in some of the years biggest shakers and news makers for a holiday party.

Mutants, cryptids, and journalists toasted the new year at a party held in the WWN Headquarters in downtown Manhattan.

When asked what their New Year’s resolutions would be, here are some of your favorite celebrities answers:

PhD Ape, three martinis in, wrote a mini dissertation on a cocktail napkin in calligraphy.  In summation, he hopes to continue to make a positive contribution to people in need and learn to be a good father.  Also he wants to take a pottery class.

Bat Boy, who was given sodas and pixie sticks all night, drew on construction paper pictures of himself and Obatma playing together on the White House lawn.

Manigator, drinking cans of cheap beer and what appeared to be moonshine out of a coffee can, wrote down on a used napkin, “This year it’s gonna be difrent when they get into (illegible) They don’t know who they’re dealin with (stained section) that’s just crazy they’d charge me for-”

That was as far as he got before the writing trailed off and he passed out in the bathroom.

Fatfoot said through his wildlife worker/interpreter that he wanted to stop using food to deal with his feelings, start leading a more active lifestyle, and most importantly learn to love himself so others can love him to.  For the last night of the year, he allowed himself to splurge on 7-11 Big Gulps and a tray of pigs-in-a-blanket.

NEW YORK, NY - Bat Boy rang in the New Year the only way he knows how: with good-natured mischief.

Continuing with tradition, Times Square hosted the annual New Year’s Eve ball drop, in which a time ball is lowered down a pole during the last minute of the year.

This year, the redesign of the ball doubled it’s size, making more than enough room for our favorite little mutant to take a ride!

Security noticed a dark figure clinging to the back of the ball around 11:51PM. They quietly attempted to get him down by using chocolate covered mosquitoes as bait, but Bat Boy was on a mission.

When the clock hit 11:59PM, the ball began it’s slow descent and Bat Boy scrambled onto the top. He raised his arms in triumph and sent high-pitched squeaks ringing across Times Square.

The cameras attempted to film only the lower-half of the ball to keep his victory pose out of the shot.

As the ball stopped and 2009 began, amid the chaos, confusion and confetti erupting through Times Square, Bat Boy was able to slip away, avoiding police apprehension.

The NYPD has not yet released a statement on whether they will issue a warrant for his arrest.

DETROIT, MI – After announcing new “self-parking” cars, reports have emerged about the source of the revolutionary technology – goblins!

Unnamed sources from within the Ford Motor Corporation have leaked internal memos revealing details of the “self-parking” technology that will be featured in all top-of-the-line models of Ford automobiles starting in 2009.

The memos state that each car will employ two or four goblin technicians, depending on the size of the engine.  The goblins actually work under the hood of the car and take control of the car once the driver puts it into “park mode.”

Executives and spokesmen for the Ford Motor Corp. have refused to comment or return calls for a statement.

Members of the United States Congress however, have been making quite a fuss over the story and many are not amused by the concept of goblins working on the hoods of American cars.

“We spent many long days working on a bailout for the auto industry,” Republican Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas said.  “I don’t like the idea of American tax dollars going to Goblins!  That was not part of the agreement.”

“If they need small people in the engines to self-park the car, then find a small American!  We’ll breed Americans smaller and smarter and bring automotive jobs back to Americans!”