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 Hal met Robert at the diner.
“Would you believe I just burned a thousand dollar bill?”
“Gee,” said Robert, “I envy your success.”
“What success?” It was easier to burn it than to pay it.”

Q: How many young heiresses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One. They stand still and the world revolves around them.

John and Bill met in the street.
“Why are you walking?” asked Bill.
“To save a buck.”
Bill thought for a moment, then suggested, “Why not take the long way and save two bucks?”

Q:  What’s the difference between maids and off-track betting?
A: Maids are people who clean windows…

The nurse burst into the doctor’s office. “Dr. Hausen!” she yelled, “you just gave a clean bill of health to Mr. O’Brien and… and he dropped dead right outside the door!”
The doctor leapt into action. “Quick,” he said, “we’ve got to turn him around so it looks like he was just coming in!”

Eddie wanted to raise fish, so he bought a few from the local fish store. Three days later he was back.
“Fish doing all right?” the clerk asked.
“Not really,” said Eddie. “They all died.”
The clerk told him to make sure the water wasn’t too hot or cold and sent Eddie away with the new fish.
Two days later, Eddie was back. Much to the clerk’s dismay, the new batch of fish had died as well.
“I just don’t get it,” the clerk said.
“Me neither,” said Eddie. “I watered ‘em with warm water like you said. Maybe I’m just planting ‘em too deep.”

Falling from a ten-story window, the fool lay bruised and broken on the pavement. A crowd quickly gathered and moments later a police officer pushed her way through the mob.
“What happened?” she asked the fool.
“I don’t know,” he replied. “I just got here myself.”

Q: How many politicians does it take to stop a runaway train?
A: I don’t know. Let’s find out.