by Sammy the Chatting Chimp
"After leaving the circus to make a better life for himself, Sammy the Chatting Chimp started his own exotic pet business and made a fortune. Now he wants to share the many facts and secrets he's learned, not only about business, but life in general."Dear Mr. Chimp: I started a small telemarketing company, but most of the people I call hang up on me. Any ideas how to keep them on the phone?
--Dave Gibson, Chicago, Ill.
Dear Dave: First, you should accept the fact that most people will hang up on you whatever you do. Sales, or telemarketing, is a numbers game. It's wading through as many people as possible until you find the ones that stick. However, in my opinion there're a few things that telemarketers do that turn people off. First, they call during dinner. That encourages a hang up. Second, they mass dial, which causes a telltale delay between pick-up and the time they come on. Finally, they're too robotic and formal. They say things like "Hello, is this Sammy the Chatting Chimp? Well, my name is such and such, and I'm calling on behalf of such and such.' Because the telemarketer is so insincere and scripted, the person feels at ease with blowing them off. However, if you call up like you already know the person, you'll get a very different reaction. Start off with something like 'Hey, Sammy? Hi, this is Dave Gibson!' That opening will intrigue the person you've called, because they’ll wonder if they actually do know you. Then, when they realize why you're actually calling, they may perceive you more as a human being to be respected, rather than a phony telemarketer. However, keep this in mind: many people have signed up with do-not-call registries. Don’t use any of those numbers. Heavy fines may result; you sure as heck aren’t going to get any business there and you should honor a person’s wishes not to be disturbed.
Dear Mr. Chimp: I’m an economics major in college and I just don't understand the philosophy that 'Property is theft.' Can you explain it better than my professor can?
--Kelly Moreau, Hartford, Conn.
Dear Kelly: Boy, this is ‘philosophy week,’ isn’t it? That was a phrase coined in 1840 by the anarchist Pierre-Joseph Proudhon. What the Frenchman was saying is that owning property means ownership of land and the means of production, and Proudhon believed that the laborer who works the land, in addition to his wages, thus holds a natural right to the things he's produced, as well as the land he's worked on. In Proudhon’s mind, to take this away — as an employer normally does to an employee — is theft, since the employer had nothing to do with any part of the process. On the one hand, that makes sense to me, since no one owns land in the wild. On the other hand, after I built my business and hired a bunch of employees, I felt that I had earned the right to own the real property. The one truth that runs through both of those situations is this Sammy Saying: “If you don’t like what’s going on, go somewhere else.”