by Lester the Typing Horse
“Once a Sideshow Attraction, Now the Nation’s Leading Wellness Expert” Dear Mr. Horse: This is a little gross, but — my throat tends to get very phlegmy. Any idea how I can change that? It’s really annoying having to clear it all the time. Albert Harris, Salt Lake City, Utah
Dear Albert: The first thing that comes to mind is to cut down on dairy products. Many studies indicate that foods like milk and cheese are very mucous-forming. Why should that be, you ask? Well, mucous is secreted, among other reasons, to protect the body from putrefying, undigested food. Dairy has large protein molecules that are hard to digest and often rot in the system. Apart from this, anything that impedes digestion can cause mucous to form as a means of keeping the food from going further into the system. I'd recommend chewing every bite thoroughly. In addition, avoid overeating, which also burdens the stomach and leaves those troublesome supersize chunks. If you follow a horse's eating habits — grazing lightly all day and making water the beverage of choice — I'm sure your phlegm problem will improve.
Dear Mr. Horse: What exactly is a bunion? Do horses ever get them? Tim Meadows, Sacramento, Calif.
Dear Tim: Medically, this condition is called hallux valgus and it's a structural deformity in which the big toe is angled toward the other toes. This leads to an often painful lump outside the inner edge of the foot. It's mostly experienced by women and is typically the result of genetics or tight shoes. Bunions can be treated by changing to proper footwear and with medication, ice, rest or surgery. Horses don’t get bunions and that’s a good thing, because we have enough issues with our hooves such as bacterial infections, abscesses, cracks and punctures.
Dear Mr. Horse: Why is it bad to swallow mouthwash? Won't it make my breath even better? Jamie Curtis, Danbury, Conn.
Dear Jamie: Mouthwash contains unhealthy chemicals such as ethanol and up to twenty-five percent alcohol, which is more than an average beer. The side effects of drinking mouthwash vary but can include collapse, convulsions, excessive sweating, slurred speech, slowed breathing, nausea, dizziness and abdominal pains. In addition, many mouthwashes have been chemically changed by including other ingredients (such as dyes) to make them undrinkable. If you really want to make your breath better, I'd recommend — no surprise to regular readers! — a diet rich in fruits, vegetables and water, and devoid of animal products. That will work better than any mouthwash.