by Lester the Typing Horse
“Once a Sideshow Attraction, Now the Nation’s Leading Wellness Expert” Dear Mr. Horse: My husband is always 'bringing home the bacon' — literally. He stops by the butcher on his way home from work and gets it freshly cut as a side for dinner and to go with his eggs in the morning. Sometimes it seems like that's all he eats. Can you explain why it's so unhealthy so I can tell him? Betty Stiles, Portland, Ore.
Dear Betty: Bacon is highly fatty and provides virtually no fiber. Like all meat, the protein is inferior because it's been heated, fusing the amino acids in the protein and making it more difficult to assimilate. Bacon is also full of all the chemicals pigs are fed, like steroids and growth hormones. You may even be eating a little of the adrenaline that was coursing through the pig as it was killed! (You'll get overexcited nerves and bad karma.) To eat bacon for two meals a day is a death sentence when you reach fifty. Horses know this intuitively, which is why we have pigs as friends, not breakfast.
Dear Mr. Horse: A friend recommended that I take colon cleansing pills. Is that a good idea? Dave Baker, San Diego, Calif.
Dear David: Most people eat things that toxify in the body, such as dairy, meat and junk food. These remain in the lower reaches of your digestive system and can help foster diseases like colon cancer. A colon cleanse dislodges some of this waste. Unfortunately, while helping you get rid of toxins, pills can also make your body expel healthy nutrients. I would simply recommend a high fiber diet. That's not only a natural laxative, it leaves less dangerous residue in your system.
Dear Mr. Horse: I really love fruit, but people keep saying it's bad for me because of the sugar. Should I stop eating it? Linda Rifkin, Providence, R.I.
Dear Linda: Those people are wrong. Our bodies need sugar in the form of glucose, which is the main source of energy for most organisms. That's why horses eat lots of apples. We also occasionally munch on sugar cubes when they are offered. They taste delicious, but since they're refined — which means freed of ‘impurities,’ including most of the vitamins and minerals, leaving just ‘flavor’ — they have no nutritional value.